“Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years” – Simone Signoret
Today marks our four-month anniversary! I can’t believe 1/3 of a year has passed since we said “I Do”. Things are getting slightly more familiar; I no longer have to do a double-take when someone uses my married name and, I’m a little more accustomed to thinking of myself as a wife.
The picture at the top of this post is one of my favorites. It was taken during an engagement session last November and seeing it instantly reminds me of the anticipation, excitement and joy of those months leading up to our wedding. To have all the gifts of marriage now is such a blessing though. I like being a wife MUCH more than I liked being a fiance. It’s a calmer, more intimate stage of life.
If you read the last three of these posts you’re already familiar with the outline (you can find previous blogs on this topic under the “Favorites” tab). Basically, this is me processing my marriage and my love for Tom. Writing is how I learn best, there you have it.
Wife lesson #10: The little things matter.
I chose the quote at the top because it beautifully illustrates this ‘lesson’ we’re learning. Since we were dating we’ve talked about how much the “little things matter”. Marriage has only proved it more true.
Relationships, the healthy ones at least, require daily maintenance. Grand gestures, like the gift of a diamond necklace, are not what build intimacy. Those are celebrations of love but, intimacy, practical love, is fed by the small things that might take only take five minutes but are oh, so easily overlooked.
It’s Tom washing all the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen as we’re trying to rush out the door after breakfast – so when I come home for lunch I’ll have a few minutes to read. It’s when I pack his lunch and fill his water bottle so he doesn’t have to think about it.
The little things are everyday choices. Sometimes every hour choices.
I believe that those little things, those moments that communicate such care, are one of the greatest gifts of marriage. Who else will bless me and do the dishes if not Tom? Who else will pray over him and cook his dinner if not me? Some gifts are only a husbands, or only a wifes, to give.
Wife Lesson #11: You married a human being.
Yesterday, I sat in the sunshine with a beautiful, Indian friend of mine. She’s been married for five years and we talked for a long time about marriage and God. We were talking about the demands many spouses make of each other.
Her perspective was refreshing and true when she simply said:
“our husbands are not our God”.
Obviously, disappointing your spouse should not be your goal but it is part of intimate living as husband and wife. Thousands of interactions hold potential for at least a few dozen hurt feelings (or, depending on the day, more 
).
A lady once shared some wonderful marriage advice with me – resolve your conflicts as soon as possible. On the surface it sounds so simple. Yet, true resolve takes humility and confidence. It takes learning the words that go with different feelings and refusing to run away when it’s hard.
It takes accepting your spouse in all their brokenness as well as their strength. Living that way frees you to accept all the gifts they can give and it frees you from living consumed by bitterness over the things they missed.
It’s crucial to remember that.
Wife Lesson #12: Enjoy every stage of marriage.
Yup, I went all carpe diem on you.
We’re heard this so many times since we got married. Enjoy it, enjoy it, enjoy it.
Now, reality is that all stages of married life are not equally enjoyable. Some of life just…is. The bills need to be paid, the dishes need to be done, the clothes need to be washed, we both have to get to work.
Yet, I appreciate the reasoning behind the phrase. It’s one reason I blog – I want to remember our “early days of marriage”. No season lasts forever and, in light of eternity, life feels especially short. I don’t know how long Tom and I will have on earth but I know I want to “give” him back to our Jesus more whole then when I was given him. That takes intentional living.
Every second might not be enjoyable but every second is a choice and an opportunity to love him well. I want to seize that.
This post was all somewhat serious, thanks for letting me process and for taking the time to read it. If you wouldn’t mind sharing, what is one excellent piece of marriage advice you’ve learned? I’m in a thoughtful mood today and would love more things to ponder (haha, I am a nerd).
Some smiles on the way in a future post, after all, I am married to Tom .
Love the person your spouse is becoming because in this you recognize that no one is a static being but rather dynamic and ever changing. Best marriage advice I’ve been given!
Hey Charissa! I have really been enjoying your blog. The Lord has tremendously gifted you with writing. I have appreciate and gleaned from your wisdom
Here’s some of the best marriage advice I’ve received:
1) Always remember that you and your husband are on the same team.
During arguments, you can feel like enemies, but you’re not! You’re still on the same team and it’s really important to remember that. Your husband should always be viewed as your ally, not your enemy.
2) This is for when you have kids, but in a way it still applies to today: Love your husband more than you love your kids.
It sounds a little antithetical, but your kids (and your husband) need to know that he is a step above them in the priority department. After all, you’re spending the rest of your life with him, not your children. So what does that look like? Doing special things that show how much you care, even if it means putting a movie on and strapping your kid in a highchair so you can have some passionate sex (and yes, I’m speaking from experience haha
You and Tom are doing an incredible job
Hello Former Small Group Member (heehee I couldn’t resist)
I have been meaning to read your blog for a while. I fell in love with its title but had not made time to read it until now. During our time together in Small Group,I would sit and listen to you in aww. I loved how your words painted a beautiful story and how you would speak of such simple ideas or thoughts as if you were speaking of a great prophesy or event. So now I get to enjoy those things in your blog. Thank you for that…
My thoughts/comments on your Wife Lessons: I wish I had your wisdom and Godliness when I was married. Sad but true, I am now divorced but learned two very important truths since I moved out of my home. 1) Never try to be your husband’s mama. He already has one of those and it’s impossible (and not of God) to try and play dual roles. 2) Always treat your husband as your best friend. We are more likely to be extra sensitive to our best friend than our spouse. We see our spouse daily, see all their “humanness”, and tend to forget they have feelings too. With our best friend, we would move mountains for them and help them hide the bodies (lol).
So for what it is worth, there is my two cents! Many blessings in your marriage.
Amy Fogle
Allison, I love that. Thanks for sharing it – I’m amazed at the ways we’ve already changed in four months; I can see how this is really important advice.
Sam!! Hi! I didn’t know you were reading – it’s so good to hear from you. How are you guys?? Thanks so much for sharing that wisdom, I really appreciate you stopping by (it’s been waaaay to long since we’ve seen each other!).
Amy (other former small group member
,
Thanks so much for your thoughts – I love that line; “we are more likely to be extra senstitive to our best friend than our spouse”. That is so true and such a great summary. You got some wisdom, girl.
I appreciate you – I hope things are going well as you’re adjusting to a new normal. Thinking of you and praying for you <3.